I know misery all too well. For as long as I can remember, a dark cloud has followed me relentlessly, causing me to sulk into a deep state of grief and despair.
Growing up, I used my diary as an outlet to express all of what I was feeling when I could, and bottled up every negative thought or emotion when I couldn’t.
I don’t have a reference point for when this dark cloud started following me. But I do know that in my lack of knowing how to deal with it, I formed a handful of unhealthy coping mechanisms that provided a fleeting sense of peace.
However, when my frustration reached its boiling point, my rage activated. This usually looked like a typical temper tantrum. I would scream, kick at, punch, or throw whatever was around me. I broke every phone I’ve ever owned out of anger and even defaced my mother’s house with holes on doors that I childishly covered with posters of my favorite artists.
I’d like to believe I hid this internal madness around my peers enough for them not to notice. I was well behaved and made pretty awesome grades. Introverted, yet incredibly friendly and naturally found my way in leadership roles all throughout grade school. Nobody would have ever known the darkness I was fighting in my mind.
Not much changed in college. However, I wasn’t expecting this dark cloud to follow me there. I thought I distracted myself enough and welcomed in enough sunshine for it to go away. Come to find out, it was still there.
As much as I tried to portray myself as this calm, cool, collected chick who knew how to have a good time — that darkness only grew in me, feeding off my every vice.
She showed herself through my enthusiasm to get drunk and out-drink everyone in the room. She showed up as an appetite for a quick fix, nothing more and nothing less. She had me feel too afraid to get close to people just to become envious when noticing my friends spending time together without me. The darkness within was only comfortable in isolation and despair, which is what I often retreated to when all my distractions were unavailable.
My first attempt at undergoing a spiritual awakening was overwhelmingly exciting and completely fruitless.
I puffed my head up with knowledge and got lost in the aesthetics of what I now know to be new age spirituality. I spent hours researching the meanings of different signs and symbols just to forget them the very next day. I was beyond fascinated, but completely frustrated and unchanged. The dark cloud remained, and seemed to grow even darker. But to everyone else, I was fine because I continued functioning. Breathing, but not necessarily alive.
My mind became sick in a way I never saw coming. The content of my thoughts darkened to a point to where I felt contempt for myself and my life. Traumatic experiences that I’d suppressed began to surface, as if to taunt me out of the calm, cool, and collected mask that I’d grown comfortable wearing. The cloud wanted me to submit to the wickedness inside of my head.
You’re worthless.
You’re way too weird, nobody can relate to you.
That’s why your friends don’t even want to be around you.
Your art is trash, you’re not nearly as good as your peers.
You will never be good enough to make a career as a graphic designer.
You aren’t capable of being loved, you can’t even keep a guy’s attention long enough.
You’re way too dark, all it takes is for a light skinned curly hair chick to cross his path and before you know it, you’ll be disposed of.
That’s why you settle for quick flings, because you know nobody will ever love you enough to choose you to be their wife or the mother of their children.
You should just give up, this life is too scary to even want to get married and bring children to this world anyways.
If you do get married, you’re definitely going to get cheated on.
Plus your kids will hate you for bringing them into this world. Leave on your terms, while you can.
While I was stuck in this loop of deadly thoughts, I appeared fine and functioning to the rest of the world. I kept myself busy, thinking that the cloud would eventually shut up the more I forced myself into being productive. But she always came back.
It was only because of the love of my family that I felt the strength and intense obligation to keep my life. When I was introduced to the Gospel of Jesus, I was introduced to a hope I never knew. A Light that was true, genuine, and everlasting through every circumstance. I so desperately needed this Light, and I was unaware that I was keeping my own self captive from experiencing the joy I saw in others.
I studied the Word out of sheer curiosity at first, just like everything else. I allowed myself to shed the veil of pessimism that kept me from reading the bible I was gifted decades ago. I kept up with sermons as much as a could, from my home pastor at Hope City to the teachings that came from watching Transformation Church online.
These teachings slowly began to help me connect the dots between the characters, stories, and parables in the bible that made me scratch my head. Having proper context made all the difference, things were beginning to actually start making sense.
What I didn’t know, was that my soul was still corrupted by idols and false teachings. I still entertained the darkness (which I now know to be witchcraft and sorcery) and tried to be the god of my life, unknowingly. There was no real space in my heart for all of the light to come in because I didn’t release the darkness of the things from my past.
I wasn’t fully surrendered to anything, just going through cycles of feeling extremely good on Sunday, miserable by Monday afternoon, and numb with indifference until the next time I heard a good word.
“There is only change in the soul when there is development in the spirit.”
— Dr. Tony Evans
Humility and surrender were the missing links in my spiritual development. I had to do what Adam and Eve refused to do. I had to let myself acknowledge to God (Who already knew) where I was, that I went the wrong way, and that I don’t want to continue going down that path.
I had to confess my sins of disobedience, idolatry, and unbelief. I put my faith in the universe and in all the information I could remember from self help books. I developed a strange lust for spiritual power that only brought more confusion into my life.
I had to completely break free from the new age ideologies that had me thinking I knew better than the One who made me. In my surrender, I pleaded for wisdom and understanding. Once I did this, He showed me everything I was missing. To my surprise, it was all so simple.
The root of all madness was in me all along.
Pride kept me from peace, this I now know to be true. I let myself suffer in silence, thinking that I can manifest joy, true love, and my dream job/car through the law of attraction if I just tried hard enough.
It never worked. My perspective on life was all jacked up, and my unwillingness to admit this to myself was exactly why that dark cloud of depression always found her way back to me.
I wanted to control my life, because I let the false teachings of new age culture convince me that I was mighty enough to do so — that I could choose my own method of healing without any confession, accountability, or true assessment of my brokenness.
The thing about worshipping the universe is that it stops there, worshipping and relying on created things that have no true power. Ironically enough, the universe itself has been obedient to The Creator since Genesis.
All I know is, being aware that Mercury was in retrograde (AGAIN) only added to my anxiety. Knowing that my identity as a libra made me prone to indecision made me more insecure. All of this knowledge kept me in chains. I had the key to freedom all along.
God showed me all of my madness through His Word and through the testimonies of believers that He brought into my life.
He showed me that even in my ability to achieve mighty works like David (and Samson), I can still fall victim to the desires of my lust which only leads to death.
He showed me that, like Sarai and Abraham, in my impatience I had the capability of manipulating a situation and fool myself into thinking I’m helping God do His job when in reality, I’m only creating more unnecessary obstacles for myself.
He showed me that, like Adam and Eve, I have a rebellious nature that will lead me to the very things my Spirit knows are not good to me. He showed me generations of ancestors who, at their own will, left the presence of the God who rescued them countless times to worship idols — just like people today.
Of course, I didn’t care to know these things about myself. But it was important to know what I was dealing with because in reality, I had become my own worst enemy in this fight for my life.
“Long ago I broke the yoke that oppressed you and tore away the chains of your slavery, but you still said ‘I will not serve you.” On every hill and under every green tree, you have prostituted yourselves by bowing down to idols.”
– Jeremiah 2:20 NLT
Acknowledging the victory that is already yours is the secret sauce.
Jesus did many miraculous things that make my heart flutter when I think about it, but the most significant was His crucifixion.
I’m no theologian so I won’t overwhelm you with too much detail. However I will reference something very significant that took place in Luke 23 to explain the goodness of God.
Jesus is being mocked and crucified, nailed to a cross. Innocent and blameless, this is the fate that even the Roman governor (Pilate) could not understand (Luke 23:4). It was only because of the persistence of the leading priests and teachers of the religious law and their accusations that lead to this undeserving guilty verdict.
There are two criminals next to him on either side sharing His same fate. One of them, puffed up with pride, joins the mockery and demands Jesus to prove Himself as the Messiah by saving them and Himself (clearly unaware of His true purpose).
The second criminal on the other side of Jesus is appalled, rebukes him and says the following:
“Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.”
– Luke 23:40–42
Jesus, God in the flesh, dying for the sins of the world, in all of His goodness simply said “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
In order to overcome depression, you have to be willing to undergo spiritual open heart surgery.
It’s more than just thinking positive thoughts and saying affirmations. That’s like putting a bandage on a broken leg.
Suppressing the negative emotions with toxic habits and fleeting pleasures is even worse. That’s like taking a shot of Robitussin a day to cure mental illness.
Fighting depression is equivalent to fighting for your life. But just like with any fight, when you utilize the right weapons, protection, and strategy, victory becomes your birthright.
“Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” — Isaiah 40:28–31 NLT
